Under House Arrest


First of all don’t worry I haven’t broken the law and been placed under house arrest. It’s my mental health that’s restricting me to the same four walls 24 hours a day. I’m safe in my room as I don’t have to see anyone but the thought of going out in public gives me the shakes, the thought of being around people petrifies me. It’s so difficult to explain, I’m trapped cause on one hand I’m desperate to get out the house and have some interaction with the outside world but on the other hand when I do rarely leave the house I’m desperate to get home cause the social interaction is too much for me. I can’t look people in the face when I’m talking to them. 

I live facing Tesco which is actually the cause of my anxiety as when I was 18 I worked there and got held up in an armed robbery and was diagnosed with PTSD. It’s that bad that I rush to the windows in my house and count the number of cars on the car park waiting until there’s 3 or less before I go over. Otherwise, my anxiety kicks in and I know there’s gonna be people in my way in the aisles,  have to wait in queues and can’t just run in and run out. As silly as it may sound, the store has now scrapped the 5p bags and instead use bags for life and the self serve checkouts weren’t designed for these bags so you have to ask one of the staff for a bag and even that fills me with dread as I’m forced to engage in human contact. This morning when I was over there I was in the queue waiting to be served and some customer was fiddling around with bank cards when it came to paying. It was only a matter of seconds and I found myself huffing and puffing and storming over to the self serve checkout. I understand I must look like a complete looney to other people but I can’t pause my anxiety, I have no control over it, anxiety is a games controller and I’m the player on the screen being manipulated pressing certain buttons making me do this and that. 

I’ve lost count the number of times I’ve gone to my GP seeking Cognitive Behaviour Therapy (CBT) only to be told I’ll have to see a counsellor first who will refer me for CBT. I can’t bring myself to sit there and tell someone my story again, it feels like it’s all I ever do and it’s got me nowhere. I tell myself it’s just a phase and I’ll get over it and things will get better, I mean things can’t get any worse can they. Nobody understands how I feel, nobody takes the time to ask how I am and most of all nobody supports me.

I’ve lay awake at night and planned to take my own life cause nobody understands but even if I did go through with it nobody will understand why I did it. I feel overlooked all the time, I feel as though if I had support then things wouldn’t get this bad. I stay in bed all day and watch the world go by seeing everyone chasing their dreams. I once had dreams and all my life I’ve wanted better for myself to escape the life my family have but instead I’ve fallen victim to their life style. I see people going to work, earning a living, striving for careers and success and here’s me 23 with nothing and it doesn’t feel like life is going to change any time soon. 

Even this week I’ve had nothing but suicidal thoughts and felt breakdowns coming on and my family don’t care. They can’t see things from my perspective, they can’t see what they’re doing to me, how their actions affect me. I can’t rely on anyone, I’m always let down. They think all this is self inflicted, if they gave me the support maybe I wouldn’t have contemplated ending my life the past 72 hours. It’s been that bad, I’ve lost my temper smashed stuff, slammed doors, screamed and shouted at people because inside my head just wants to explode. Bridges need support to function and without that they’ll collapse and that’s exactly what’s happened to me. I’m isolated and nobody seems to care, no one stops to pop their head around my door and ask what they can do to help, no one sends a text to ask how I am. All this just adds to my suicidal thoughts I’m not missed when I’m alive so I’ll definitely not be missed if I’m dead. I’m sick of my family throwing my mental health in my face, actually being laughed at and told I’m making everything up and that I haven’t really got depression and anxiety. They do this knowing that my so called friends at uni last year did the same and it ended in me breaking down curled up in a ball at 4am sobbing my heart out. 

I’m not an attention seeker, I don’t need much, I don’t need wrapping up in cotton wool. I just need some reassurance knowing I can rely on people to talk to and support me but instead the very people who I should be able to rely on the most are the people who leave me feeling like I can’t carry on anymore. 

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