If there's one thing I've learnt since creating my blog, it's the importance of talking to someone and releasing some of the thoughts going round and round in your head. I've always hated the thought of anti-depressants, my biggest fear is getting addicted to them if they worked so I've always avoided them as much as possible. Tablets and I do not get on very as well, as a depressed teenager I found myself lining up piles of pills and slowly taking them one by one. Luckily, I told my family who rushed me into hospital where I was fortunate enough to not need my stomach pumping and lucky it wasn't more serious. 

In the past I've thought if I had anti-depressants and was depressed then more than likely I'd end up taking another overdose to block out all the thoughts and escape my depressed world. However, in my last doctors appointments my GP and I both agreed it was time I tried anti-depressants as nothing else was helping. I felt so ashamed to be on antidepressants that I couldn't even bring myself to hand in the prescription to the chemist. I knew the chemist wouldn't judge me but stupidly I still felt ashamed and that I would be judged taking them so I got a family member to collect them on my behalf. Looking back it was silly to think like that cause really I should embrace being on antidepressants and somewhat proud of being on them cause it shows I'm doing something about my depression and trying to get better rather than shutting the world of remaining housebound.

I can't fault the antidepressants they were a great help. After a couple of months, I decided to come off them by myself and for the past six months I've had no depression at all. Low moods yes but depression no. I felt so angry with myself though, my depression had gone but my anxiety was worsening, trapped in a vicious circle and I felt like I was in a see-saw one end being my depression and the other my anxiety. As soon as I got the one under control, the other was attacking me full force. 

For days on end I would stay at home avoiding the real world. If I did go out then I would be constantly snappy towards the people I was with and horrible to be around, all I would want is to go home back in my bubble where I felt safe and calm. I would be frustrated with everyone else wondering why they weren't supporting me and understanding why I felt like this. But in all honesty, they had no idea how to help and now I fully understand that. How do you deal with a 23 year old throwing their shopping to one side and running out the shop cause they can't wait 2 mins in a queue?

I was naive to think anti-depressants would be the answer to all my problems. 

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