Anxious About Anxiety


Ever since I left university last year things have gone back to how they were before. These past few weeks I've been slipping into old habits and noticed my anxiety is worsening, on the rare occasion when I do manage to drag myself out of bed and go out it's a nightmare. I can be walking around a shop and desperate to get out, the smallest of things set me off and make me really irritable. This sounds ridiculous but there might be one other person who can relate, even if someone comes too close to me or gets in my way I get this rush of aggression build up. Even walking in the street if I'm behind someone walking slow or they stand still I start to panic.

It's just one big rush, it's a catch 22 I'm desperate to get out the house but the second I do I'll do anything to get back home in bed as fast as I can. I see the bed as my save haven. Queues are terrible even today I found myself walking into two shops spotting a long queue and even shouting at my mom to get me out. I must come across horrible to people and really miserable and snappy, I just can't wait for anything I'm tapping my foot, rolling my eyes or pacing up and down if I'm made to wait. I've even got anxieties about certain shops which I'll simply refuse to step foot in. I'm a stickler for time if I agree on a time to go out I need everyone to stick to it otherwise I'm kicking off and back to bed refusing to go out. Part of me wishes these things don't happen to other people but I'm desperate for some reassurance that I'm not the only person who has these feelings, I need someone who can relate to me and stop me from thinking I'm completely mad.

I envy everyone around me when I go out, I envy those who go about doing daily routines with not a care in the world, doing things that they wouldn't think twice about like being able to wait in a queue. I'll try anything to avoid having to talk to anyone and normally I'll have my head down not even making contact with people. I walked into a stop today and you know how you have those staff members in the store that greet you, well I noticed how I walked the opposite direction to the person and fast paced to avoid even replying Hello. I can't think of any way of solving this other than to look into Cognitive Behaviour Therapy which I hope will help me to retrain my brain to think differently.

Right now it's 1 step forward 2 steps back, one minute I'm doing something which last year I couldn't have done and the next minute I'm panicking over the most smallest things. I'm constantly scanning everywhere I look just waiting to spot the next thing that will trigger one of my anxieties. I don't think I'll ever understand anxiety, I've always been quite a shy and reserved person and I've come to the conclusion that all these anxieties are partly due to, the Post Traumatic Stress Disorder I was diagnosed with a few years ago when I got held up in an armed robbery at work. Fingers crossed this won't last forever but it's so emotionally and physically draining living with this condition on a daily basis.

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