F*** Off Depression


It's back and it's back with a vengeance. I'm referring to the demon in my head known as depression. Tonight has been my relapse, I've given and talking myself into believing I'm depressed. The past few weeks have been good even though there's been a lot of traumatic and stressful events I have managed to remain positive throughout. The reason behind this was down to a girl I started talking to through one of those dreaded dating apps.

As you already know I've spoken to a lot of girls on there but this was the first one that really got my attention, I felt as if I could be open with this person and trust them. Many of you will probably find that difficult to understand as I haven't even met them, but for me there was a spark. Don't get me wrong at times she was a massive pain in the butt, it was annoying how she had the power to control my moods and feelings. I tried a lot, prior to to talking to this girl I was in a difficult place, I had just split with my ex and on the verge of failing university. I have to remain objective and admit at times I made some massive mistakes which I regret but the thing with me is when I'm hurting it's my natural instinct to hurt someone back.

At times, we had this petty arguments over nothing it's difficult when someone is so closed and doesn't open up. However, I couldn't stay mad at this person, they were making life bearable. Things began looking up and we planned to go on a date well not really a date more of a meet up and just see what happens. Looking back I tried a hell of a lot and all I did was care, although at times I did things which didn't show it. I'm lying in bed right now typing this feeling sorry for myself and when that happens I push people away and just want to escape into my own little world. It just feels like no matter how hard I try I get nowhere. I'm depressed about a lot of things right now and have no motivation, as it stands not moving from this bed for the rest of my life sounds pretty appealing to me.

The worse thing about depression is that there is no cure, at times you maybe fortunate enough for it to go away for a few hours maybe even a day or two but it will always lay dormant in your body. Depression never goes away and once you've got it you have it until the day you take your final breathe. Part of me loves being single but another part of me hates it, I want a job, car, career, home but I don't see a purpose when there is no one to share it with. There's only one person who can control your depression and that's you. Take note, be stronger than I am right now.

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